My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits. - Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' - Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two! - Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. - Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. - Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look ... twins! - Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back - Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. - Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am. - Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. - Rodney Dangerfield